It is popular folklore down south in the Philippines. Go to the distant islands in the Philippines and you will be told of all kinds of superstitions and beliefs amongst the rural folk.
Like in this case about the wandering scavenger Bariles in General Santos, Mindanao.
Perhaps, Lainy will be able to attest to the veracity of this folklore as she hails from that region.
There once lived this skinny man in ragged clothes in General Santos. He was never missed everyday as he went from trash bin to trash bin, digging through the rubbish in search for food and anything that he considered valuable.
No one bothered about him. No one even cared to give him food. He was so unsightly and his presence could be smelled from hundreds of feet away. Yeah! such was the strength of his disgusting pong.
One day, Bariles as usual was feeling his hands through a trash bin and he suddenly stopped. The tip of his fingers knew from the feel of the object that this was entirely an item that he had never felt in his scavenging career.
He slowly drew out the item through all the muck in the trash bin and he found it was a lamp. Stealthfully, he looked over his shoulders and tucked it inside his shirt, afraid that someone might stop him and take it away from him.
He hastily turned around and made his way to his hiding place beneath one of the wooden bridges. He sat there and stared at the lamp not knowing what he could do with it.
Then he grabbed some paper to clean the lamp and while he was rubbing the lamp, POOF!!! out rose a Genie.
He crawled away from the lamp and stared at the Genie in utter amazement.
The Genie then said, “Master, I am at your command. Name me three wishes and it will be yours.”
Bariles was dumbfounded. He was speechless. He kept looking up at the Genie towering over him.
Somewhat meekly, Bariles said, “Please, give me all the Food in this World. I am so hungry.”
And the Genie replied, “Your wish is my command.” And POOF!!! Bariles found himself sitting at a banquet of food.
This went on for almost a week. Food, Food, Food until Bariles could not take it anymore.
He went back to the lamp and continued to clean it. Once again, out came the Genie and Bariles had to name his next wish.
Bariles then wished that he was the most dapper looking male in General Santos and POOF!!! Bariles found himself looking at rows and rows of wardrobes filled with all sorts of men’s clothings.
The Santosians could not believe what they saw when Bariles appeared in town. It went on day after day as he strutted all over town in his new clothes. Until, Bariles got tired of it.
He sat in his hideout. Laughing at his windfall. Food, Clothing and then thought what next?
He heard a voice in his right ear, “BUILD A CHURCH” then came another voice in his left ear, “WOMAN”.
BUILD A CHURCH. WOMAN. BUILD A CHURCH. WOMAN. WOMAN. WOMAN.
Bariles grabbed the lamp and out came the Genie.
“Give me your last and final Command, Master”, said the Genie, “and it is yours.”
Bariles then spoke to the Genie, “Bend lower so that I can whisper it in your ear.”
The Genie answered, “Why whisper? Master”
Bariles: I AM SHY NAAAA
So the Genie bent over and Bariles whispered ever so softly in the Genie’s ear, “I want to be between the thighs of a woman.”
For those of us who have grown up from the days when it was the Rubik Cube and the Nintendo Pacman which entertained kids for endless hours, we have seen the gaming industry grow by leaps and bounds, beyond our imagination.
There appears to be an unlimited horizon for game addicts. It is a huge business today and it is still growing.
However, for Taclobanians, this is not the case. They have to be creative without the money or the means to own electronic gadgets.
As it was in the case of these two married couples who live in Tacloban. Remember Tacloban was devastated to the ground by the Monster Typhoon, Yolanda.
Basketball is a Philippine home name game. As we shall see why in this instance.
Mr. and Mrs. Santiago, an elderly couple in their 70′s lived in a wooden makeshift hut they built beside a dirt road.
Their neigbors, Mr. and Mrs. Bariles, a young couple in their early 20′s also lived in their proud hut separated by pieces of plywood with the elderly couple
It was a drab life in Tacloban after the Monster Typhoon Yolanda flattened the terrain and the spirits of the Taclobanians.
But not for these two couples. Here is why.
Every night, or almost everynight, you could hear the elderly couple laughing as though it was their way of negating their misfortunes.
Their jocular night life made the young couple very curios and they decided to find out what these two old geezers were doing when they did not even have a television set.
So, the young man made a hole in the plywood wall to peep at the elderly couple.
To shorten this story, the young man found out why the elderly couple were having a blast.
This is what he discovered from peeping. The old man sat at one corner of the living room and had a pile of coconuts nearby.
He rolled a coconut in the direction of his old faithful who sat at the other opposite corner of the living room with her legs spread eagle.
Everytime, the old man made a hole in one, he laughed.
Everytime, the old man missed, she laughed.
Now, the twist of the story is that the young couple came up with their own version of Basketball. They used peanuts.
And soon, the Taclobanians turned their worries and heartaches into merriment everynight with their creative version of Basketball and named it CocoPea-Nut Ball.
As you may have read, Joy and I are awaiting for Bongo Bongo or Wonga Wonga to arrive sometime this December.
Now in keeping with Filipino tradition, hmmm tradition? or culture, a new born baby is given as many god-parents as one desires.
It makes sense when you consider that in the event that baby’s home is floating, somewhere out on the South China Sea, after being swept away by a Super Monster Typhoon, like Typhoon Yolanda, baby will be able to find refuge in the homes of his god-parent(s). And in tow, the entire Barangay residents of the affected area as well.
After mulling about who would I ask for god parent-onage, the name Bingkee instantly came up albeit so effortlessly.
Now hold your tongue over there!
Nothing personal about Bingkee.
Just the business of mind-googling for god parent possibles.
Then my mind wafted and I went into what all parents-to are bound to do; having images of how baby would look at childbirth. A mental image appeared like this.
A few names filtered through. What a pity, Mother Teresa is gone. And just my luck, Michelle Obama would not be First Lady long enough.
Then Bingkee appeared again. Creeps! Am I suffering from an obsessive disorder?
Just as I was questioning myself about my mental health, my mind drifted again. How would baby look?
This time the second image of baby jolted me. I even heard baby growl, “BINGBING BLEHHH”. It was not a baby burp that I assure you.
Are you kidding me?
OMG! would Bingkee make such a mind altering change to how a baby looks?
No can do na.
My mind raced through some more names. Names such as Angela Merkel, Angelina Jolie, Nicki Minaj, Miley Cyrus.
NO, I will keep Miley Cyrus for myself,
So, my search goes on.
If you are interested, please contact Lainy who on this matter will serve as my Sexytary. Thank You
After she published a searing, heart pulsating, poo dispensing, pee drenching and cesspool-ish 14 page State of Constipation Address, Bingkee turned to the ageless art of teaching.
Isn’t that simply amazing.
Some call it being a reborn Christian. Others call it a change of heart. You might even say it is merely a tactical retreat.
I have always called it a fool who tries to learn in vain.
Have you ever been to a Mental Asylum? Of course not as one seeking treatment. I mean just visiting the place that houses the best collection of “Einsteins and Shakespeares”.
The Shakespeares there do exactly what Bingkee does now. They stand facing the wall and speak to it, endlessly until they are led back to their cell. Similarly, like an Oracle she amuses herself in soliloquy.
They speak with words that circulate amongst Professors in the English language. Like don’t say anger, say ire. Don’t say wicked, say nefarious. Ahhh! there you go. Now you can write a book.
No more bible reference or calling for the Lord. It did not work the last time because the Lord told her, “I don’t have time for 14 pages”.
She probably realized that for 4+ years, she was at the receiving end of a machine generated hate letters. You know, the kind where you type in some words of hate and it produces a hate letter in the number of words you wish.
Finally, one can assume, Bingkee closed the curtains, alighted from her motorized broom, leapt into bed, pulled up the linen and sang “Old MacDonald Had A Farm” The only song she remembers from her Nursery School days.
“With a quack quack here,
a quack quack there,
here a quack,
there a quack,
everywhere a quack quack…”
And perhaps she found wisdom in Matt Monroe who said it in even more simple terms,
Walk Away, and live
A life that’s full
With no regret.
Why build a dream that cannot
Walk away, walk on
One reader asked me: “I want to know the root cause of the rift”
OMG! that would mean reading all the 14 pages of that dreary,long winded State of Constipation Address. Matter of fact is, as soon as I reached the bottom of Page One, I felt that it would not need me to read more as the author invoked the Lord. Do I want to mess with someone who has the Lord on her side? Nosiree!!!
Anyways, I had to answer this reader and I explained.
I don’t know.
I guess it started when Bingkee told the other woman that her breasts were not level.
The enraged woman then levelled Bingkee for 4+ bitter years until Bingkee’s mouth became unlevelled.
Which explains why it went 14 pages as her first ever Book.
I shall take a break from my usual fare of writing and publishing rubbish.
This time, I shall instead do something more honorable. That would be to send my salutations to Bingkee, who is a veritable scribe because she learned how to write from reading at a very early age. A feat that would have our jaws drop right down to the floor.
From excerpts of her 14 page, State of Constipation Address to Maria Rizalina Ning/Mariza/Marissa Magcauaus, I can draw only one conclusion:
What goes around from Bingkee came back at her; to roost
This is better described as, Bingkee versus Bingkee.
It is pathetic for any Blogger to establish a Blog with a passion to conduct verbal vendettas. This Blogger ought to get a life.
Now, there is a new twist to blogging.
You can receive gifts as offering for peace.
That is not fair. Bingkee never sent me any condoms.